"lord in this worship dwells my peace, for in your presence my heart can rest..."

i've come to realize that i've been a dark place for awhile. i know that i don't show it, since i'm really good at masking my real emotions. but yes, i'm pretty unstable right now with what's going on around me. school has been kicking me in the butt. only 2 more months till the end of the semester, and my grades are not where i want them to be. i've been so distracted lately too. it's hard for me to study or do homework when i have it. it's hard for me to pay attention during class. it's been hard for me to have patience. i've never had these problems before, so why do i have it now? not only do i have school to worry about, there are other problems i'm going through...life problems.

i hate seeing people cry. i hate seeing people upset and about to lose hope, especially when it comes to show that the people who are going through are the ones who are the closest.

it also hard for me to say, but i hate the fact that one of my most favorite memories...is only just a memory that'll never happen again, because recalling it is just too painful to think of.

today's worship service made me think of these things.

during worship service, i prayed and meditated, as i do every worship service before performing. i prayed so hard that the problems that i'm having with school, i would be able to endure and get through it. i've never prayed so hard for school before. during the hymn singing, i cried in almost every hymn. there were tears rolling down my face, and every time i tried to wipe it away, they just kept coming. especially during 116.

then the lesson about worship service inspired me. what made it a little more special was the fact that my friend's uncle was the minister. his way of preaching made me understand the lesson a lot more. as many ministers would say if they were to teach this lesson, he said that "you think your problems are impossible? NOTHING is impossible with God...he's just waiting for you to call on him to ask for his help." even though the stuff going on in the world brings you down, you just have to remember that turning away from God won't solve your problems. blaming God for your problems isn't the answer. you have to be strong. if you're faced with a problem for a long time, examine yourself, then turn to God. that's what the lesson was basically about. it helped me realize that the problems i'm facing aren't impossible. just turn to God, and he'll help.

seeing family suffer just breaks my heart so much. i'm not gonna go into detail about this, since it's not my business to talk about. i just don't like seeing them upset. and the fact that they're trying to make things seem normal again makes it worse. they make things overly positive and then afterwards start moping around.

another thing about this evening is that i realized that people are growing up. this evening, i had the chance to catch up a little bit with a friend of mine who i haven't talked to in awhile. i've known her since she was 7 (i was 10). she's currently a senior in high school, getting ready for college. she was telling me that she's applying to a few CSU's and she's stressing out over it. it's not a big surprise. what surprised me is that she has a maintained 4.00 (probably higher) GPA...and she didn't tell me this, i already knew about it actually, but she has a job. AND she's in the choir.

this girl is amazing. when we were younger, she looked up to me as a person. now, I'M the one looking up to her. i don't even know anymore, i'm just amazed at her right now. i've known this girl for 10 years...where has the time gone? she's already going to college? you know what? she's growing up, and i couldn't be more proud of her.

although with all this positive vibes from this person, you wouldn't have thought it would hurt me...

back when i was in the 8th grade, we (me and my friend i just talked about) were in this group of 10 people. we were so close knit during that time...we did everything together. they were the one's who i looked forward to seeing every weekend.

but then that group started to break apart. eventually, that group ceased to exist. hardly ever spoke to each other, all we got were "hi's." then i think of this other person in that group of 10, who i looked up to at the time. she was heading to the top. we were the same age, about to tackle the world...then she moved. few years later, she married and has a daughter. there's also other stuff, but no need to explain that. just know that i was extremely upset at her actions she chose. i'm still a little upset at the moment, even though it's been awhile since i heard of this news.

seeing my friend tonight, the memories of that group of 10 flowed back to my memory. i recalled all those happy times we had together...then i thought of that friend i looked up to. i cried silently because i remembered she wasn't the same girl from that time. her actions ruined my perspective of her. i try to block her actions like i never heard about it, but it just doesn't work. now, one of my memories that i've held so close to me for so long...it's practically gone. all because of the actions of one.

this entry was all over the place...but it really doesn't matter.

the main point is that i've did a lot of thinking tonight. thinking, crying, contemplating, meditating...just to get some enlightenment. the lesson we had this evening helped me out A LOT. i really needed it. i'm going through a lot right now, and people don't see it. they don't need to see it. but all those problems i'm going through right now, even though most of them aren't mine, i know for a fact that i can turn to God and ask for his guidance. and he'll be able to help me. and i also know and have been reminded that being in the worship service gives me the peace from all those problems. when i'm there, the problems disappear one by one. it's like it doesn't matter anymore when i'm there...because i know that God's there. he's saying that, "it's ok...i'm here for you," when you feel like you're alone facing those problems.

here's to an evening of enlightenment and important reminders.

...I know that I can face my darkest moments,
For even in my sorrow I am blessed...
LORD how I wait upon this day,
That I may worship before your sight.
I feel my worries fade within your mercy,
As I draw ever closer to your side.

"there's always three sides to a story-yours, theirs, and your judgment..."

short, sweet blog for tonight. i've thought a lot lately about if i were to choose a side in a situation. what contributed to that would be what happened yesterday amongst some, if not all, fil-am musicians.

i'm not choosing a side...i'm never going to choose a side because i believe that what's happening is just bollocks. also, i don't know the full story on what happened, so i can't judge.

but if i WERE to side with someone, i would have to back up the one who chose to be the bigger person, and not would not have even thought of bringing up the situation in front of the public's eyes. it's pretty immature to call out someone in public and make a huge spectacle of you and the person...yet alone, start cussing at them like there's no tomorrow. also with the cussing, is there no other words in the english language to use instead of those words? it doesn't emphasize anything. it only shows that you'd rather be cussing a person out, trying to make that person feel sorry, and hope they break down somehow.

also, if i were to side with someone, it would most especially be the one that had the most honest story. so far, i've heard one side...the side of negativity amongst one person...i haven't heard anything from the affirmative action. i won't be able to judge unless i hear that side, but i guess it's for the better not to hear it. this drama has gone far enough, and it's only been a day. i do hope whatever happened, it'll find its way of them forgiving and forgetting. it's hard seeing these people that i've looked up to for so long fighting like this.

soul4soulcv.